I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
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