Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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