I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
