if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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