On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
