i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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