I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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