You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
