She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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