This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
