I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
