I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
