I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
