Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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