Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
