Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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