I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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