I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
