you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My vagina is officially offended.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
