what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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