i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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