I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
