i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
