I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
