I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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