hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
