FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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