I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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