jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
