I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
