I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just blew my weed a kiss
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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