probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
