hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
