walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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