did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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