I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
