At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
