Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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