Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
