spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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