Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
