I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
