hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize