He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
His nipple licking is glorious
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