if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
