I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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