Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
