Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
