I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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