Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
