I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
well you can't waste a boner
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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