Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
