it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
