her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
