I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
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Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
