Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
