I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
