I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
