so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
